red "delicious" apples

What a fucking disgrace these are to the rest of the fruit kingdom. Let's start out with the name being a blatant lie. Delicious? Who could possibly make this claim? these mealy pieces of shit aren't good for anything. Maybe wood versions for decorating. Or one with a worm in it for a stock photo. Maybe. 

The only conceivable reason these things stil sell/exist is because they fool consumers into thinking they are "delicious". Straight up false advertising as far as I'm concerned. "Red Apple". Appropriate. Not Fucking Delicious more realistic. 

people standing still on escalators

Look at these lazy fucks. Standing on an escalator that's going DOWN. Gravity alone will do most of the work for you if you set your pathetic human body in motion. Nope, just gonna stand here like its a ride. 

Oh it's rush hour and people need to get places quickly? I'm going to be a piece of shit and stand here, blocking you, because I'm so incredibly lazy your brain can't even comprehend it. Yep I'm that fucking  worthless--it's hard to imagine being me but here I am, a blob of garbage. 

Only exceptions here are disabled people and those with luggage. 

Lazy fucking people. Just stay home forever. 

vaping

Really don't need to explain this one. If you vape, you are basically a douche.

people on cell phones behind home plate, waving to their friends

This is long, long, long overdue. In fact I'm surprised Major League Baseball has not done anything to control such a fucking shitshow already. These people with their cell phones behind home plate. The frantic waving. "I am on TV". Fuck them.

Easy rule, MLB: post a sign as you enter the section that says "no cell phone waving. no waving. no wave". You get one warning, and then you're tossed out of the game. Plain and simple. That clears up about as much of the jackassery as I can think of, making the game that much more enjoyable for everyone there, and the millions of viewers across the globe. Don't let a couple of fucking idiots ruin it for everybody.

"Im at the game, do you see me?" (maybe Ill stand up and block everyone behind me) "How about now?"(arms waving like they are on fire). Get the fuck out of the stadium now. Leave you fucking asshole, just leave, and everyone will have a normal relaxing time without your dumbass.

girls with fake mustaches

What is this thing? Why do girls think this is "funny"? I guess its sort of funny imagining guys walking around with huge tits but do I strap them to my chest and do it? No.

The girls-that-love-to-wear-fake-mustache thing has to stop. They wear them with their best friend. They wear them with a top hat. "I'm Daniel Day Lewis!"Not funny.

Ohh maybe they'll get the little ones on their finger so they can hold it up and BOOM--mustache! Dumb.

You want to wear a mustache? Get a sex change or join the theatre.

subway performers

"Oh hey, someone is breakdancing inches away from my face and it's 8:15am and I'm on my way to work. This is great, I really am enjoying this and didnt want to read my book, listen to music and mind my own business while trying to not to lose it as is. This is exactly what I want." OH WAIT, NO IT'S NOT.

Subway performers, man. It's one thing to play your fucking Peruvian flute music in an outdoor space or even indoor space that's large enough for me to walk away from you. Mere inches away from you in the subway where people are just trying to get from point A to B in peace? Fuck that.

These people should be shooed off the train immediately, if not arrested. And these acrobatic dudes that re doing flips and shit with their $14.99 pathetic excuse for a boombox playing a radio rubbed copy of Black Eyed Peas? Prepare to die.

I don't care if some people think its "cute" or "entertaining" or that you are "talented". This shit is rude, an invasion of privacy, and in some cases straight up dangerous. If I want to see the circus I'll buy a fucking ticket for the big top. If I have to hear your James Taylor cover, then I guess I'll just have to fucking kill you instead.

"dibs" on winter parking spots

One of probably the top 5 things I hate and have ever hated in life: the "dibs" system. This shit is unbelievable. The nerve these people have, thinking they own the street. (the street also known as public property).

So it's winter and it snows. Yep, gotta shovel that snow. Is it fun? Probably not. Does it suck to shovel out your car from a foot of snow? Yes. But do you own that piece of cement that you removed snow from? NO.

People who think they are entitled to the space they shoveled out are fucking insane. It's called street parking. Its the process you go through 365 days a year when you own a car in a city and dont have a space/garage. I'd go Charles Bronson on these motherfuckers if I could, but then unsuspecting drivers would feel the retaliation instead. I want to see these people and their fucking lawn chairs and parking cones, and shove that shit right up their ass. Fucking babies. I dont know any other way to say this other than that it's fucking bullshit, plain and simple. It's called life, people. Deal with it.

flies

Easily one of the worst insects ever. What are flies good for? Terrorizing humans? Buzzing around plies of poop? Sitting on dogs dicks? Crawling all over livestock, just annoying the fuck out of everyone?

"hey i'm a fly, I just got inside your apartment and now I can't figure out how to get out. oops, i'm now stuck in-between the screen and the window and i'm the dumbest insect ever so I have zero problem solving skills and will never figure out how to leave. I am a total dumb fuck."

They come in, and keep flying all over you when its so much nicer outside. Its not like you can eat anything we have with your microscopic sucker face, you fucking loser. Buzz buzz buzz all around, you're pretty good at evading swats, but listen up: I'm coming for you and I will fucking destroy you, you fucking PIECE OF SHIT. Fuck you forever.

the song "Love Shack"

This song. Jesus.

I just heard it at the grocery store and it made me want to rage on somebody. Go ahead, watch the music video---if you want to fucking puke.

"Tin roof, rusted"??? what the fuck does that even mean? This is a terrible terrible song that for some reason people think is good. Your car is "as big as a whale"? Sure it is. The shittiest whale ever that doesn't exist.

People that think they're better than you because they don't watch sports

"Oh, I don't watch sports. Sports are stupid." These fucking people..... You know at least a few. They are probably the same people that "don't own a tv" and are happy to broadcast that whenever they have a chance after thinking they are already better than you because they don't follow sports. That single fact makes you a fucking idiot compared to them.

Let's find out what the REAL reason is that you don't follow sports. Could it be that you have had no athletic ability your entire life? Did a "jock" give you a wedgie as a youth? Or maybe you're just sour over the fact that your stupid fucking PHD in philosophy isn't getting you more than $25k a year? Yep sports fans are all dolts. And I hope you get punched in the face by one very soon you snooty fuck.

people jumping into the aisle the second the airplane lands

Dude. You KNOW its going to be at least 15 minutes until the plane is at the gate and the door is open. You KNOW this. Yet, you and 85% of the passengers insist to stand up immediately and attempt to barrel towards the exit like the goddamn plane is on fire. Chill, motherfuckers. Yea, you, the guy from the back trying to get ahead of people and out of the plane first? I'll fucking shank you, bitch. Relax for one fucking minute and let the plane dock up, seriously.

These are definitely the people that pace in the aisle during the flight also. How about this---sit down and read a book? No one wants to look at your stupid face and your Bose quiet comfort headphones, I have a Skymall right in front of me if I want to look at total bullshit. Also, you--the one standing in the aisle taking to your buddy about business or whatever--I wish you the worst in life forever.

canned creamed corn

Seriously I might rather eat human vomit. Canned creamed corn is a fucking joke---what are they thinking?? This shit is totally disgusting and I have no idea how it is sold or that people even buy it. Where's the FDA on this one? Maybe a human rights organization, jesus christ. A vegetable? Seriously? You've got a lot of explaining to do here.

Hey--want some of this slop? Oh yea, it's creamed corn that looks like fake throwup. You'd rather kill yourself? Understandable.

Foam soap dispensers

(reenactment) "Ahh just a little soap and water and I'm on my way". *SQUIR--FLUFFFFFF* "What the fuck is this. Foam? Shaving cream? Am I at the fucking barber shop?"

Seriously, what the fuck. Foam? It's no good. At first I thought maybe the soap was about to run out, squirting the last remains of shittiness there was left, but nope, foam replacing liquid soap seems here to stay. And its fucking bullshit. It's almost as if someone poured water in the top to get more mileage out of the soap. Total fucking crap that barely washes your hands. They might as well give you a fucking wetnap. Ever heard of liquid soap? I have. It works, foam fucking sucks, and you know it.

"Game Over" marriage t-shirts

just kidding. they are kind of funny.

Boston

aka "Beantown" aka Suckville. Boston. Boston, Boston, Boston.... How are you such a terrible city? Is it your incredibly obnoxious sports fans? Maybe your bougie, holier than thou, upper class smartypants fuckface population? Could it be the blue collar assholes that want to fight you? Maybe its the sheer lack of diversity that makes everyone think they are king asshole of the world? Well this I do know: Boston, you can go fuck yourself. Seriously.

Hate your accent. Hate the Red Sox fans who used to be cool, and now are worse than Yankees fans. Hate the Patriots, hate Tom Brady. Hate how fucking white you are. Are the only black dudes in Boston on the Celtics? Hate the city layout. Hate paninis, expensive coffee and cashmere. Hate colonial re-inactments. Hate those stupid hats.Aerosmith--some of your songs are cool. Clam chowder is cool. Everything else sucks. Fuck you Boston.

Grownups telling other grownups to "be good"

"Great, yep, have a good weekend too." "Be good."

"Be good"? Do I look like a fucking child? Maybe a dog that might piss on the rug? "Be Good". Give me a fucking break. Do you want to pat me on the head and send me along? Oh, "be good" and stay out of trouble? Maybe something like that? Ok adult. What are you, my legal guardian? How about this--fuck you. How's that for being good?

People acting like they are into politics for 1 day a year

"VOTE!!" "MAKE SURE TO GET OUT AND VOTE!!" "I JUST VOTED (on Facebook)!" I JUST CHECKED IN AT THE VOTING CENTER ON 4SQ" "YOU ARE LAZY IF YOU DONT VOTE!""WE NEED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!"

Ohhh, I forgot you were so into politics! It's weird, because the other 364 days a year I haven't heard shit from you about politics, voting, or anything remotely related to it. Yet, today you're preaching like Marting Luther fucking King about "rocking the vote" today. Fuck that. You voted--congratifuckinglations. Want a cookie? I'm happy you voted, really, just don't act like you are soo involved with the system and attempt to criticize others because you took 10 minutes to be an American for once. Seriously, you should really just exercise the right to go fuck yourself. I'd vote for that.

Bacon flavored/themed everything

This one's long overdue, but somehow this thing that's going on with bacon keeps getting worse. I mean, give me a fucking break. Bacon soda? Ridiculous. Tastes like shit and you know it. Bacon band-aids, bacon gum, bacon scented candles, "I heart bacon" t-shirts. It's gone way, way, way too far. "ITS COOL TO LIKE BACON NOW!" Fuck that. Yea, we get it, there's a huge backlash from the vegetarian/healthy phase that happened a few years ago. Comfort food is back, and that's great. But please, can we stop jacking off to everything bacon? Really tired of this shit.

People that think they own their city or neighborhood

"Uh, no, you have no idea what you're talking about. You're not from around here are you. Where are you from--Utah? Ohio? Yea, not even close. Uh huh. Sure. Why don't you go back where you came from"

Oh, I didn't know you owned this neighborhood! So sorry to be treading on your turf. Your sense of ownership is justified because you grew up here and no one else is allowed right? Wouldn't want to be nice to people just in general right? Yea, its cool to act like a shithead to strangers who you don't know and assume they are from out of town. Good job winning life, I hope you get hit by a bus, break your legs, and become mayor of the bed you will live in for the rest of your existence.

"Rally rags" / "make some noise" signs at sporting events

So "your team" is in the playoffs, great. You are even such a devoted fan that you need to wave around a little colored washcloth to show your support. It gets worse, there is a video screen prompting you to do exactly that. "Oh it's time to make some noise / wave my washcloth"? Better clap I guess, or maybe we'll start a WAVE! Jesus fucking christ. People that go to these games should know when to pay attention, when to cheer, and when to boo.

TO EVERYONE WHO SUPPORTS RALLY RAGS and/or MAKE SOME NOISE signage:
1) I hope you get drilled in the face with a foul ball when you're tooling around on your phone.
2) I hope "your team' gets destroyed and you leave the game early (want a sign for that exit call?)
3) If you are on a cell phone behind home plate, waving at people that can see you on TV: I hope a lightning bolt strikes you dead instantly. I will tweet about it and laugh at your corpse.