"Game Over" marriage t-shirts

just kidding. they are kind of funny.

Boston

aka "Beantown" aka Suckville. Boston. Boston, Boston, Boston.... How are you such a terrible city? Is it your incredibly obnoxious sports fans? Maybe your bougie, holier than thou, upper class smartypants fuckface population? Could it be the blue collar assholes that want to fight you? Maybe its the sheer lack of diversity that makes everyone think they are king asshole of the world? Well this I do know: Boston, you can go fuck yourself. Seriously.

Hate your accent. Hate the Red Sox fans who used to be cool, and now are worse than Yankees fans. Hate the Patriots, hate Tom Brady. Hate how fucking white you are. Are the only black dudes in Boston on the Celtics? Hate the city layout. Hate paninis, expensive coffee and cashmere. Hate colonial re-inactments. Hate those stupid hats.Aerosmith--some of your songs are cool. Clam chowder is cool. Everything else sucks. Fuck you Boston.

Grownups telling other grownups to "be good"

"Great, yep, have a good weekend too." "Be good."

"Be good"? Do I look like a fucking child? Maybe a dog that might piss on the rug? "Be Good". Give me a fucking break. Do you want to pat me on the head and send me along? Oh, "be good" and stay out of trouble? Maybe something like that? Ok adult. What are you, my legal guardian? How about this--fuck you. How's that for being good?

People acting like they are into politics for 1 day a year

"VOTE!!" "MAKE SURE TO GET OUT AND VOTE!!" "I JUST VOTED (on Facebook)!" I JUST CHECKED IN AT THE VOTING CENTER ON 4SQ" "YOU ARE LAZY IF YOU DONT VOTE!""WE NEED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!"

Ohhh, I forgot you were so into politics! It's weird, because the other 364 days a year I haven't heard shit from you about politics, voting, or anything remotely related to it. Yet, today you're preaching like Marting Luther fucking King about "rocking the vote" today. Fuck that. You voted--congratifuckinglations. Want a cookie? I'm happy you voted, really, just don't act like you are soo involved with the system and attempt to criticize others because you took 10 minutes to be an American for once. Seriously, you should really just exercise the right to go fuck yourself. I'd vote for that.

Bacon flavored/themed everything

This one's long overdue, but somehow this thing that's going on with bacon keeps getting worse. I mean, give me a fucking break. Bacon soda? Ridiculous. Tastes like shit and you know it. Bacon band-aids, bacon gum, bacon scented candles, "I heart bacon" t-shirts. It's gone way, way, way too far. "ITS COOL TO LIKE BACON NOW!" Fuck that. Yea, we get it, there's a huge backlash from the vegetarian/healthy phase that happened a few years ago. Comfort food is back, and that's great. But please, can we stop jacking off to everything bacon? Really tired of this shit.

People that think they own their city or neighborhood

"Uh, no, you have no idea what you're talking about. You're not from around here are you. Where are you from--Utah? Ohio? Yea, not even close. Uh huh. Sure. Why don't you go back where you came from"

Oh, I didn't know you owned this neighborhood! So sorry to be treading on your turf. Your sense of ownership is justified because you grew up here and no one else is allowed right? Wouldn't want to be nice to people just in general right? Yea, its cool to act like a shithead to strangers who you don't know and assume they are from out of town. Good job winning life, I hope you get hit by a bus, break your legs, and become mayor of the bed you will live in for the rest of your existence.

"Rally rags" / "make some noise" signs at sporting events

So "your team" is in the playoffs, great. You are even such a devoted fan that you need to wave around a little colored washcloth to show your support. It gets worse, there is a video screen prompting you to do exactly that. "Oh it's time to make some noise / wave my washcloth"? Better clap I guess, or maybe we'll start a WAVE! Jesus fucking christ. People that go to these games should know when to pay attention, when to cheer, and when to boo.

TO EVERYONE WHO SUPPORTS RALLY RAGS and/or MAKE SOME NOISE signage:
1) I hope you get drilled in the face with a foul ball when you're tooling around on your phone.
2) I hope "your team' gets destroyed and you leave the game early (want a sign for that exit call?)
3) If you are on a cell phone behind home plate, waving at people that can see you on TV: I hope a lightning bolt strikes you dead instantly. I will tweet about it and laugh at your corpse.

Magicians

This particular post was inspired by some dickhead hobo magician that approached us at a bar on Friday night (he was the "house magician", yea whatever) but my disdain for magicians spans across the board. 

Anyway, fuck these guys. Obviously magic is not real, and we've seen these tricks a thousand times. Didn't  understand how you picked my card the first time I saw the trick and sure as hell didn't this time around. Guess what though? I don't give a fuck if you're David Blaine, Chris Angel "Mindfreak" (give me a fucking break) or some hobo "house magician", I'm not impressed by your trick, and magic fucking sucks. Cool outfit, guy. Are you going to a grand ball? Maybe a costume party? Are you a vampire or maybe just a hobo with a deck of cards? How about you do us all a favor, throw some smoke in the air, and disappear. Forever.

Lame/unoriginal halloween costumes

Hmmm what to be for Halloween this year. Ohh maybe I'll be Don Draper--hes so cool! Love that show--plus I am just like him in real life! What a great idea!   It's not even like 1,000 other douchebags will have that same costume! Maybe I'll be something that's totally relevant in the news and that will also be played the fuck out.  Maybe...hmm...OH the Facebook guy! Or maybe I'm a huge dork and will dress like an Avatar character. Fuck it I'm going as a vampire from one of those vampire movies. Totally original.

Fucking idiots.

Trendy catch phrases and cliches among the business douchebag set

Yea bro, we're feeling so "bullish" about this new offering. There is so much "meat on the bone", so much "low hanging fruit"--I've been "championing" this thing all the way up the line. I mean, "at the end of the day" we are going to be "killing it!" "crushing it!""drinking so much kool aid!""putting more feathers in our quill!!"

Now lets go hit the gym, get our balls waxed, grab a few cocktails at Marquee and rape some chicks.

Group clapping during musical performances

Oh we're all clapping along to this song-- everyone! We all know how the song goes! We could be at church, or maybe a concert in the park, or maybe even watching a semi-respected/accomplished artist, who knows? All I know is that I fucking hate group clapping. 99.9% of the time it's associated with some sort of music/noise that sucks anyway. The clapping eventually takes over the whole song, only enhancing the terribleness that once was just a bad song, but now it's worse.  What is this, Kumbaya? Fuck that shit too.

Pennies

Hate them, and they are pretty much worthless. "Oh I collected so many of them in this huge jar!" Good for you. Have fun lugging that heavy fucker to the bank so you can cash it in for $6.75. You'd be better off throwing them away and just moving on with your life.

The Spin Doctors

Just looking at this photo starts to the fuel the fire

Assholes that think they are smarter than you because they look at paintings for longer amounts of time

Oh, because you look at a painting longer, obviously you're smarter than me because I only looked at it for 15 seconds. You're enlightened, I am an idiot.

How about this? Go fuck yourself.

People who are proud to "not own a TV"

Fuck that shit. Get off your high horse and into Best Buy. You know TV is awesome:

-news

-sports

-movies

-documentaries

-food shows

-everything else that rules on TV

ME: How about that last episode of Mad Men?

GUY WITHOUT TV: Oh, I don't know what that is, I don't own a TV

ME: Really, you've never even heard of it, huh?

GW/OTV: Nope, don't own a TV. I read books and think TV is mindless.

ME: I am going to pummel you with an iron pipe right now.

Complainbook/Sickbook/Godbook

Ugh. Christ. Another retarded post from someone I am "friends" with for some reason. Probably went to high school together or something---oop--wait---yea we did.

Anyway, I cruise Facebook to watch funny/tragic videos, to find out what people are being entertained by, or to browse photos, etc. Never do I want to hear some bullshit about how terrible something is, how sick they are, or how God is so fucking great.

Dan Jones "hates this cold weather!"
SUCK IT UP, PUSSY


Amy Benson "has a sniffly cold :("
FUCKING DEAL WITH IT


Erik Schmit "feels so blessed that God has enlightened him with...."
SHUT THE FUCK UP NOBODY CARES
(ps keep going to church, like it even matters)

Candy Corn

Seriously, the shittiest Halloween candy ever. The taste sucks, it's cheap, and old people (that think it's good) scoop it out of the bag with their grimy skin-shedding hands into your pumpkin bucket. Fuck that. I'd rather have 3 nickels.