People that think they own their city or neighborhood

"Uh, no, you have no idea what you're talking about. You're not from around here are you. Where are you from--Utah? Ohio? Yea, not even close. Uh huh. Sure. Why don't you go back where you came from"

Oh, I didn't know you owned this neighborhood! So sorry to be treading on your turf. Your sense of ownership is justified because you grew up here and no one else is allowed right? Wouldn't want to be nice to people just in general right? Yea, its cool to act like a shithead to strangers who you don't know and assume they are from out of town. Good job winning life, I hope you get hit by a bus, break your legs, and become mayor of the bed you will live in for the rest of your existence.

"Rally rags" / "make some noise" signs at sporting events

So "your team" is in the playoffs, great. You are even such a devoted fan that you need to wave around a little colored washcloth to show your support. It gets worse, there is a video screen prompting you to do exactly that. "Oh it's time to make some noise / wave my washcloth"? Better clap I guess, or maybe we'll start a WAVE! Jesus fucking christ. People that go to these games should know when to pay attention, when to cheer, and when to boo.

TO EVERYONE WHO SUPPORTS RALLY RAGS and/or MAKE SOME NOISE signage:
1) I hope you get drilled in the face with a foul ball when you're tooling around on your phone.
2) I hope "your team' gets destroyed and you leave the game early (want a sign for that exit call?)
3) If you are on a cell phone behind home plate, waving at people that can see you on TV: I hope a lightning bolt strikes you dead instantly. I will tweet about it and laugh at your corpse.

Magicians

This particular post was inspired by some dickhead hobo magician that approached us at a bar on Friday night (he was the "house magician", yea whatever) but my disdain for magicians spans across the board. 

Anyway, fuck these guys. Obviously magic is not real, and we've seen these tricks a thousand times. Didn't  understand how you picked my card the first time I saw the trick and sure as hell didn't this time around. Guess what though? I don't give a fuck if you're David Blaine, Chris Angel "Mindfreak" (give me a fucking break) or some hobo "house magician", I'm not impressed by your trick, and magic fucking sucks. Cool outfit, guy. Are you going to a grand ball? Maybe a costume party? Are you a vampire or maybe just a hobo with a deck of cards? How about you do us all a favor, throw some smoke in the air, and disappear. Forever.

Lame/unoriginal halloween costumes

Hmmm what to be for Halloween this year. Ohh maybe I'll be Don Draper--hes so cool! Love that show--plus I am just like him in real life! What a great idea!   It's not even like 1,000 other douchebags will have that same costume! Maybe I'll be something that's totally relevant in the news and that will also be played the fuck out.  Maybe...hmm...OH the Facebook guy! Or maybe I'm a huge dork and will dress like an Avatar character. Fuck it I'm going as a vampire from one of those vampire movies. Totally original.

Fucking idiots.

Trendy catch phrases and cliches among the business douchebag set

Yea bro, we're feeling so "bullish" about this new offering. There is so much "meat on the bone", so much "low hanging fruit"--I've been "championing" this thing all the way up the line. I mean, "at the end of the day" we are going to be "killing it!" "crushing it!""drinking so much kool aid!""putting more feathers in our quill!!"

Now lets go hit the gym, get our balls waxed, grab a few cocktails at Marquee and rape some chicks.

Group clapping during musical performances

Oh we're all clapping along to this song-- everyone! We all know how the song goes! We could be at church, or maybe a concert in the park, or maybe even watching a semi-respected/accomplished artist, who knows? All I know is that I fucking hate group clapping. 99.9% of the time it's associated with some sort of music/noise that sucks anyway. The clapping eventually takes over the whole song, only enhancing the terribleness that once was just a bad song, but now it's worse.  What is this, Kumbaya? Fuck that shit too.

Pennies

Hate them, and they are pretty much worthless. "Oh I collected so many of them in this huge jar!" Good for you. Have fun lugging that heavy fucker to the bank so you can cash it in for $6.75. You'd be better off throwing them away and just moving on with your life.

The Spin Doctors

Just looking at this photo starts to the fuel the fire

Assholes that think they are smarter than you because they look at paintings for longer amounts of time

Oh, because you look at a painting longer, obviously you're smarter than me because I only looked at it for 15 seconds. You're enlightened, I am an idiot.

How about this? Go fuck yourself.

People who are proud to "not own a TV"

Fuck that shit. Get off your high horse and into Best Buy. You know TV is awesome:

-news

-sports

-movies

-documentaries

-food shows

-everything else that rules on TV

ME: How about that last episode of Mad Men?

GUY WITHOUT TV: Oh, I don't know what that is, I don't own a TV

ME: Really, you've never even heard of it, huh?

GW/OTV: Nope, don't own a TV. I read books and think TV is mindless.

ME: I am going to pummel you with an iron pipe right now.